I'm not sure I believe in God.
At a time I did.
Former Catholic school girl in a crisis of faith. How much more cliche could I get?
I want to believe. Life and death would be much cleaner if I did.
But where is my God now? How is it that He can be so far away?
He asks for so much faith and trust... but I don't see a single sign of Him. I didn't find Him when I cried out for help. I didn't see Him in my Aunt's dying face. And I haven't seen Him since.

Where is He now? Floating high up on a cloud, in heaven, in glory, in a happier place than we can imagine.
Well I'm here on the ground, in a specific kind of hell that I have found. And I've asked Him for guidance, to show me His way. But all I get is an empty dial-tone, the rattle of a hollow subway. All on my own I go. With no answer. No help. No ethereal "sign". Where is He when I need Him?

Gone. Like every other man I've known.
Click click click I hear the echo of a vacant businesswoman with no soul. And I think.... maybe that's the way to go. Ice cold. Freeze everyone out.
Accept that life goes until it stops. My heart's beating until it's not. And that's the end of my road.

Maybe there are no angels, no gates of gold, no warm and sunny afterlife paradise.
But there's no way to know for sure. I toe the line, stay on the fence, until God decides to answer, call me, or send me a text.
Waiting for a breakthrough. Begging to be found.
Hey God, can you hear me now?