Im waiting for him at coffee rush. He's probably finally going to tell me all of his feelings. It's going to be exactly what I don't want to hear. I know it is. I can feel it. It smells like earth worms outside today. Today will be the day that my life changes I think. To another course. Maybe forever. I don't know if I am ready for such a change. I don't think I want it to.

When he got there, I was smoking a cigarette. He asked me if I had smoked at all while we were together. I told him the honest truth, that I hadn't and that I was only doing it to feel something familiar. We talked about our days and our plans for the day. He's hanging out with Mariem later, and I'll be where? Home? I don't think I want to stay "home." Anyways. Then came the part I've been dying to hear. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot. It was "hard to NOT think about it." His decision was as follows:

"I talked to my mom, dad, and Austin. I haven't talked to Nick yet... But anyway, I don't think that it's in my best interest to date you again. They think so too. There's a fear of getting hurt again, but there's also the positive hope that I wont and that's something to possibly look forward to, but right now it's just not my best interest. I don't feel like I love you, so... And if we're meant to be together, then it will happen, but I don't want to give you more false hope."

We had a little more awkward conversation, and he kept looking at me funny. I knew he was going to say exactly that thing. I am not angry, nor am I heartbroken. I love him. I will always, probably. I am only a little sad. More so fearful of the lonely world I have just entered. For some reason, I am perfectly calm. I don't think it's going to be alright, but I think I just fell too far down the black hole to care anymore. I blocked him on social media and everywhere. The only thing I haven't blocked is his phone number. If he truly needs to talk to me, he'll just have to text me instead. Again, I am not mad at him. Not upset. I just think I don't feel anything. I swallowed everything I was feeling at Coffee Rush. I locked it up and put it back in a dusty old box, and shoved it on the highest unreachable shelf.

"I'm letting my one tear escape! There it is, haha!" I told him. I told him I was weirdly happy but in all truth, the remaining ruins of my old walls have been rebuilt in a matter of an hour. I hope he sees this. I hope he understands. But then again, why would I waste my time on hopes when they never come true.

"Stop wishing, and just accept it." A stranger said that to me once. I'll swallow the pill without a grimace or a thought and just accept it.