Apr 2019
I'm going to take the time today to think about the things that I like about him. From physical assets to his personality traits. I'm really going to think about it. I'm going to put my phone on airplane mode today. (Gotta have that handy dandy lowes app).
A forethought: If we got back together, I never have thought about the things that I would change sexually for him. I never gave him head enough, and I know he likes it a lot. I'll do it more often on the chance that we'll get back together someday.
Back to the things I like about him. I guess I'll start off with physical.
Its hard to know where to start.
He has almond shaped eyes with long spidery lashes. Sometimes I get lost in their deep cappuccino color. They make me blush. (I blushed tonight when I looked into them before he kissed me). I especially love it when he wears light blue. It makes them pop. He has a strong face. High cheekbones and a wide jaw and strong chin. God he's so ******* handsome. And his skin on his face is textured, but I love it because I think it's unique specifically to him. I think that his smile, though, is something that will warm me up every time I see it. His real smile. It reaches across his whole face, and up to his eyes where they crinkle at the corners. What did Hunny call it? A 'John Denver' smile, because it lights up the room. She's right. I can't help but smile when he smiles.
It's late now. 10:32 PM. A while ago, I got back from brandon's house. We had ***. Rough, amazing ***. Maybe a little passionate too. We both wanted it pretty badly. We both wanted to get our feelings out. He said he didn't really get any out, but I know I did. At the end, when he finished, it took me all I had not to cry. All of my bad feelings left me when I orgasmed. I thought I would be left feeling empty like I normally did when I used *** as my #1 outlet. I wasn't. Everything I had ever known about being happy was what I was left with. I wanted to cuddle up on his chest like I normally do, but I didn't because I knew he didn't want that. I don't even think he wanted me to stay for as long as I did. I wanted to snuggle with him as a way of silently saying "I love you" to him without actually saying it. But I didn't because he would have been uncomfortable. I liked the way he kissed me. He started off gently. Maybe passionately too? I don't know. They weren't just empty kisses. They had feelings behind them, I just don't know what they were. I wish he would have elaborated more on the feelings he let out. Maybe he'll think about them tomorrow. Maybe he'll tell me if he wants to. He made a comment about me being bi. He said "Oh, so you wouldn't date me if I was a woman?" He said it to be funny, but that's not why I remember it. He made it seem like... I don't know. He used the wrong tense, I guess. Like we're still together, even though I know that he didn't think that. He didn't mean that. (For the record, I would still date him either way). I don't know. I don't know anything except that giving him up was by far the biggest regret of my entire life thus far. I've done many regrettable things, but this one takes first place. But for now, not having me around that much seems to put him in a better mood, and whatever makes him happy is something that I will do.
I have to sleep now. I'm so tired.
If you read this, I love you.
A forethought: If we got back together, I never have thought about the things that I would change sexually for him. I never gave him head enough, and I know he likes it a lot. I'll do it more often on the chance that we'll get back together someday.
Back to the things I like about him. I guess I'll start off with physical.
Its hard to know where to start.
He has almond shaped eyes with long spidery lashes. Sometimes I get lost in their deep cappuccino color. They make me blush. (I blushed tonight when I looked into them before he kissed me). I especially love it when he wears light blue. It makes them pop. He has a strong face. High cheekbones and a wide jaw and strong chin. God he's so ******* handsome. And his skin on his face is textured, but I love it because I think it's unique specifically to him. I think that his smile, though, is something that will warm me up every time I see it. His real smile. It reaches across his whole face, and up to his eyes where they crinkle at the corners. What did Hunny call it? A 'John Denver' smile, because it lights up the room. She's right. I can't help but smile when he smiles.
It's late now. 10:32 PM. A while ago, I got back from brandon's house. We had ***. Rough, amazing ***. Maybe a little passionate too. We both wanted it pretty badly. We both wanted to get our feelings out. He said he didn't really get any out, but I know I did. At the end, when he finished, it took me all I had not to cry. All of my bad feelings left me when I orgasmed. I thought I would be left feeling empty like I normally did when I used *** as my #1 outlet. I wasn't. Everything I had ever known about being happy was what I was left with. I wanted to cuddle up on his chest like I normally do, but I didn't because I knew he didn't want that. I don't even think he wanted me to stay for as long as I did. I wanted to snuggle with him as a way of silently saying "I love you" to him without actually saying it. But I didn't because he would have been uncomfortable. I liked the way he kissed me. He started off gently. Maybe passionately too? I don't know. They weren't just empty kisses. They had feelings behind them, I just don't know what they were. I wish he would have elaborated more on the feelings he let out. Maybe he'll think about them tomorrow. Maybe he'll tell me if he wants to. He made a comment about me being bi. He said "Oh, so you wouldn't date me if I was a woman?" He said it to be funny, but that's not why I remember it. He made it seem like... I don't know. He used the wrong tense, I guess. Like we're still together, even though I know that he didn't think that. He didn't mean that. (For the record, I would still date him either way). I don't know. I don't know anything except that giving him up was by far the biggest regret of my entire life thus far. I've done many regrettable things, but this one takes first place. But for now, not having me around that much seems to put him in a better mood, and whatever makes him happy is something that I will do.
I have to sleep now. I'm so tired.
If you read this, I love you.
