where am i?

watching from a sideline.
feeling, seeing, stuck inside.

surfaces feel harder
on your knees.

i have looked at you
and seen your true face.
my unrighteousness
lies in this disgrace.

pain.

it is numbing when alone.
and so all my pain i own.

it is not for them to see
all the failure deep in me.
i can rot on my own.

i judge.
in moments of...unease.
and take the things i know
and will not let them go.

in my judgement hall i stand
here i feel the weight of shame
as the voices call my name.

there's red carpet on the stone
and my feet sink as i walk
my mouth sewn so i don't talk.

for my words will disgust me
so i do not dare to speak
and it hurts, my knees are weak.

i kneel down onto the floor
and i keep with me my words
as i'm crushed beneath the weight
of a special kind of hate.

i will not direct it out.
i will keep it locked inside.
judge it all for it is mine
what i know they'll see in time.

if i'm wrong that shame is fine.