He's ignoring me now. I guess I deserve it. I wish I had the guts to block him so that im not tempted to text him or snap him. SO he could live his life now and be happy without interference from me. I wish I knew how to explain why I did what I did, why I broke up with him, in a way that he would understand. I wish he understood my feelings. Or made an effort to. But it's not reasonable for me to ask that of him. Maybe it was unreasonable to ask him to talk to me when I had no one last night. Not one of my closest "friends" answered my call. not one. I was alone and scared. And not a single person answered. I called every person that I thought I could count on. Bobby, Carolyn, Victoria, Luke... I even texted Mark and asked him to wake her up for me. I guess I know now.

I'm pretty sure he hates me. If not, then I know he strongly dislikes me. I feel burnt out today. I don't want to try today. No matter what I do, it won't make a lick of difference to him. I could become exactly who he wanted me to be, and still he'd whisper "too bad." I could become the nicest person in the world and still he'd say "too bad." You haven't got a clue what it felt like to hear him say "Well Mariem is being to me right now what I wish you were to me a month ago." And what's that? Stable? Perfect? She's perfect isn't she? A perfect little Mormon girl for him to be friends with. I wonder if he can hear the jealousy dripping off my pen. I wonder if he can hear me ******* it back into my body because I don't want to be jealous of someone I don't know. There's no point in being jealous. It's a vile and destructive disease.

I want to go home. I don't want to be anywhere where there's a reminder of him today. I don't want to love someone who I know hates me. Ive been in this situation with Mark. I loved him, and he hated me and I ruined myself loving someone who didn't love me back. I feel exactly how I felt four years ago. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. It ruined me. It will again. It will.