I sent him the HP link and told him it explained itself. He says he "probably will" check it every so often. He obviously isn't obligated to, so I don't know why I feel bitter right now. I have to remember that he is trying. And he doesn't even have to do that. But he's doing it because he cares. He cares. It doesn't appear evident to me sometimes, but I think I just had a revelation that he does. He told me if he didn't he would have blocked me and ghosted me out. For some reason, I didn't believe him, but I know now that I was wrong not to trust his word. He wouldn't put in the effort if he didn't. I'm forcing myself to trust him. I'm trying to now. Yes, I know. Too late. But in the time being, I have to trust that he's doing exactly what he says he's doing, because that's all he's ever done. I didn't trust him because I never trust anybody. Been stabbed in the back too many times. I thought maybe living in distrust would mean that I didn't have to feel the pain when someone tried to stab me in the back, but I was wrong. My heart just started to beat extremely fast. I thought I just saw him at coffee rush. It was only someone who carried themselves in the same way as he. That, and the messy brown hair. I have to get used to being alone again. Maybe while I have time to think and now know I have the strength to get better, I'll figure out why I didn't before. I think I'll write down what i'd say to him if I had to say good by for real. Hopefully I will never have to do that, but just in case... It will solidify the things I want to remember.

Maybe I don't want to do that just yet. I'm still trying to make up for what I've done. I also don't want to tell a goodbye tale yet. I don't want to write about it yet. Instead I'll write of the things I want to remember and have been remembering.

I remember when we first met, and my general annoyance at him for not leaving me alone. But I also couldn't keep my own gaze from him. He was just so perfectly handsome.
--I just thought about how he thought I was so beautiful. If he ever saw me bare again, I think he'd think I am ugly. I've never been particularly attractive anyway. I feel like every time he sees me now, he can only think of how ugly I am. But then again, maybe I just think I'm ugly and I'm projecting what I think onto his persona.--
I remember swimming in my pool and feeling a little jealous of the way he talked about Jessica. I also remember how indescribably awesome it felt to be so close to him. I remember our first kiss, and how delicious and delicate it was. How much my heart leapt with love for him in that moment. Being so embarrassed for saying "I love you" too soon in my eyes, but being relieved when he said it back. I remember our first fight and getting through it because we loved each other.
--maybe that's why it seems like it'll be too hard for us to get through this and make it out together. Maybe he doesn't really love me that much anymore. That can't be true. It might be... I have to give him time to get over what happened the other night. When he get's over it, maybe it will come back. I have to remember that what I did was very hurtful to him in his fragile state. It will take him a long while, I imagine. Maybe for me to put it in perspective, I have to make a scenario up to imagine how he feels. How he feels now is probably how I would feel if he kissed someone else. I would be enraged. Maybe the anger and hurt he feels overpowers any love he has, and any ability he has to forgive me. For right now.--

Jack said something to me last night about people who forgive each other. For example, me and Jack. I told jack I wasn't sure if he would ever forgive me. Jack said to "look at us. We hurt each other immensely and we still forgave each other." Jack is one of my best friends now, and I love him very much. Maybe that's how it will work out with me and B.
(I'm going to refer to him as "B" because it hurts to think or say or write his name).

I'm in a significantly better mood now.

.