Usually,
Me taking a nap means it’s getting bad again.
Genuinely there are just times,
I am tired,
But most time’s I’m not, and..
A nap is how you can tell it’s getting bad again.

How you can rest assured that I
Spend my hours listening to the demons scream inside my head,
The ones that remind me I am worth nothing,
You can tell if they’re being too loud again.

When I’m constantly rubbing at my eyes,
Or scratching at my ears,
You know it’s getting bad again-
When I mark up my thighs every few weeks because
I just don’t know what else to do-
That is for sure how you know it is getting bad again.

Even if if it’s just four or five little marks,
Throughout two weeks,
It is still a sign that it is getting bad again
That it’s getting too loud again
That I’m starting to break again.

And I’m trying to get better.
I believe learning to see those signs in myself
Has taught me how to show other people a bit better,
Without actually breaking,
Without screaming and crying at
The top of my lungs..

It’s been months since my last giant, life threatening fit like that.
I mean, where I was vocal and just about did do it.
I have small ones,
Where I ask if I can **** up,
or wonder if it’s worth it

And those are another sign it’s getting bad again.
That the stress is too much to handle again that
That I’m ****** if I don’t do something soon and

That’s how you tell if it’s getting bad again.

When it festers, I go into fight mode,
I lunge for a throat and I scream,
I yell,
I hit.

I try not to, I do, it's the first time I've ever gotten into a fight-
Much less do I really care, honestly,
I don't regret it.
It'd been coming for months,
But that's how you know for sure it's gotten really bad again.

I try to be honest, tell therapists and psychiatrists,
I think I'm doing better,
I honestly think I'm doing better until-
I break.

I'm just so tired again.