I have decided (and
there is simply no
arguing here) 'if'
is the sexiest word
in the English language
and once unloaded of
its baggage and all of
those maddening
contingencies, 'if' is
like two legs dancing
around in a striptease
'if' is the most lewd,
the most suggestive
thing on two legs,
one letter leaning
against the other,
the most beautiful
***** you have ever
seen, standing on
a street corner
the 'i' buck naked while
the 'f' blandly looks
away (yes, too often
the 'i' is an embarrassing
display)
the 'f'  staggers
under its own sort
of weight, having
lent itself to 'u' and  
the beginning of 'fu' 'fu'
'fu' you (but you are
already stuck now
aren't you?)
pay the 'i' up front
while the 'f' crooks
a finger and you
can do nothing
but obey this is
why the 'i' so often
breaks itself in two
always too much
but never quite
enough, without
the 'f' nothing
absolutely nothing
will do