Today I saw an ad on the TV for the good life
$129.99 and all you ever wanted delivered to your door in a box
Shipping and handling included
The man in the commercial had a big smile on
And a golden retriever by his side
Were sitting under palm trees
Smoking cigars...

Who doesn't want a cigar smoking golden retriever?
So I called up the toll free number and demanded a good life...

One week later the box came in the mail
"There's no way a golden retriever could fit in there"
I thought to myself
"Not even a puppy retriever
These must be the cigars"

No cigars
Just pills

"Of course" thought I
"Eating these will take me away
To an alternate reality
With palm trees, smiles
And cigar smoking dogs
Duh"

So I ate the pill and closed my eyes
Awaiting lift off
Like I've done so
Many times before

One Mississippi
            Two Mississippi
                         Three, four, five Mississippi...

And you know what happened next?
My **** got hard for hours
That's it

Who's the sick SOB
Who's idea of a good life
Is an unexplainably long
Lasting *****?

I alerted the authorities
Called the FDA
They must have the answers...
They just told me to visit the nearest hospital
Everything will be fine...

From that point on
I have been lost inside
And refuse to go outside
I shut my windows
And I lock the door

I can't make sense of it...
Why would I need to visit the docs?
I'm not the one thinking
Long lasting ******
Equals the good life

****** don't make retrievers smoke cigars
I'm not the one with the problem

Am I?