I miss the person you seemed to be.
I guess I'm finally learning who you really are

I just want to know where we stand
Aka what you will never do with me again.
***, beach, lunch, chillin with records, joints, etc.

So distant..
It hurts so much.
All my energy goes into trying not to think about you.
I can't get you out of my mind and heart.
So far whiskey is the best method.
I hate the version of myself that has to resort to that.
I'm trying so hard to move on..
But there is no one like you..
Im seriously going to have to do something big and drastic to get over this.
Idk what.
They valley is haunted.
I can't be here anymore.
You live so close and I drive by Erwin nearly everyday.
Its torture.
It's soul *******.
I try to improve myself.
I try to figure out my goals and where I'm headed.
But this consumes me.
This to me is incredibly important.
Hence why I find it difficult to do other things successfully. It is a priority.
I'm even more lost now than ever.
You were my rock.
I know you don't want that.
But you were.
You helped me from being out of control. From being self destructive everyday..
I know I had episodes with you. But I'll take that over crying everyday and feeling out of control and worthless anyway..
Bringing myself closer and closer to death. With each chain of puffs and poison burning my throat as it slides down.

We don't share the same reality.
My world is painted black.

Again, I have reached the point where I don't know what to do.
So I think about my end.

I really should leave this earth.
I honestly don't think that I contribute anything good to those in my life anymore.
I just feel like I'm a bottomless pit.
******* the life out of everyone.
Making people feel bad.
And wasting their timing when they worry about me, which is a constant.

I do not have any hope for my future.
I want to stop fighting.. I want to just give in.
I'm constantly exhausted just trying to survive the day.
I just want peace..
I'm so done with this existence.
Pain and a sense of not belonging are prominent themes.
There are some days that make me thankful to be alive, but they are so sparse that it's no longer worth it.
I'm better at not hurting other people as much, but the wound inside me just grows deeper each day.
I'm just a ******* blackhole.
There is no hope for me.
I often reach the conclusion that I should be in therapy, but I am so defiant that I know realistically I would not ever complete it. I question everything and trust no one.
I don't blame you for abandoning me.
I would have done the same.
Some people just have a certain fate.
And this tragic one is mine.
I accept that.
I am ok with dying.
This world no longer has anything to offer me.
I've given up on love.
I'm too broken to ever be my authentic self.