that night i cried into your back
after kissing all of your moles
i whispered secrets into every single touch
each being a new word
a new syllable
i thought about how drunk i was with him
how i cannot remember who was on top
how in that same setting
with those same running veins
i cried into the floor
after kissing my cell phone
about how pretty she was
and how pretty i was not.
i thought about the night i went into the hospital
and how all of the others told me about the writing left underneath the desk in my room
how i explained to them
that one of the first things i did upon arrival was hide underneath it
i found it on my own.
i have found so much on my own.
i tried to climb the shelves
but i fell and almost broke my elbow
how interesting of a story that would have been;
and how lovely it would have been to tell you
on that first evening we met
i first noticed the deepness of your voice
like the scariest part of the ocean
filled with fish with lights swinging from their foreheads to lure in their meals
filled with silence
and an occasional wisp of a breeze
i next noticed your height
the tallest boy i have ever gotten to be with.
your eyes that night were the most beautiful
i felt my existence looking into them
i realized where i was
and who i was with
I realized that I was Kalena.
I realized that because of this fact, I had Dylan.
I realized that if I was no longer Kalena,
or in other terms,
I was Kalena after she took a knife to her veins,
I would not be Kalena with Dylan.
and that broke my heart.
it broke my heart that the fact that we might not be together was a possibility.
the fact that that might be occurring in a different reality
right now
i don't want it to exist in any part of the universe
in another galaxy
i want you in every reality
i want you in every cloud's memory
seeping from every pine tree
and inside of every cave wall, veiled behind a rushing waterfall that people are afraid to get sprayed by.
that is how much i want you, Dylan.
every single tile on every single bathroom floor
every single calendar
every single full moon
every single sunrise
every single loon calling out to its mate
no matter how terrifyingly alone that cry sounds
i want you there.
i want you everywhere.
i want you.
i want you.