Mar 2019
"YES DEAR YES!"
She kissed her husband.
And - he kissed her back.
Which was
unusual
as he had never kissed her back
when he was alive.
Now that he was dead
they were getting on so much better.
He was more real to her
now he was no longer there.
She wished he had been more like this
when he was alive.
He usually spoke to her
from another room
so that she never saw him as such
only aware of his presence.
And the voice
all over the house.
She disliked the term ghost.
Shied away from the word "DEAD."
Couldn't stand the label
"figment of the imagination."
But tonight in the dark
she felt his lips on hers
and cried and cried
letting the loss leak away into this bliss.
She didn't know how to be
a widow.
Wore it like a role
or a set of chosen clothes.
Curious.
Him being dead
was a lot better than
him being not dead.
She could now fashion
him in her own image.
Soften him...make him do
whatever she wanted for once.
Sometimes his voice
came out of the telly
or on the radio or
an answering machine
or the microwave or
the toaster.
he seemed to have got entangled in
the house electrics.
And now here he was on the record player
all scratchy and gathering dust.
She always answered him
as she had done all her life.
"Yes dear...yes!" she said.
"Yes dear. Yes!"
She kissed her husband.
And - he kissed her back.
Which was
unusual
as he had never kissed her back
when he was alive.
Now that he was dead
they were getting on so much better.
He was more real to her
now he was no longer there.
She wished he had been more like this
when he was alive.
He usually spoke to her
from another room
so that she never saw him as such
only aware of his presence.
And the voice
all over the house.
She disliked the term ghost.
Shied away from the word "DEAD."
Couldn't stand the label
"figment of the imagination."
But tonight in the dark
she felt his lips on hers
and cried and cried
letting the loss leak away into this bliss.
She didn't know how to be
a widow.
Wore it like a role
or a set of chosen clothes.
Curious.
Him being dead
was a lot better than
him being not dead.
She could now fashion
him in her own image.
Soften him...make him do
whatever she wanted for once.
Sometimes his voice
came out of the telly
or on the radio or
an answering machine
or the microwave or
the toaster.
he seemed to have got entangled in
the house electrics.
And now here he was on the record player
all scratchy and gathering dust.
She always answered him
as she had done all her life.
"Yes dear...yes!" she said.
"Yes dear. Yes!"
All her children used to think Mary was losing it after her husband Simon died. His presence had being in her life for the past 6O years. His voice was a comfort to her and part of the healing process enabling her to heal. She was pleased to her his voice...now giving her advice...now soothing her or just dealing with all the ordinary everyday moments. She just used to believe that he had just left the room and was still talking to her as he went out. She "felt" his presence and she remembered all his nice sides and it was this Simon who manifested itself to her....never the grumpy old codger he could be. She also softened him in memory and recreated him as she would have wanted him to be...so he became more tactile and loving than he had actually been in real life! She talked about him all the time I was with her and would hold conversations with him while I was there...telling me what he had said!
"Many scientists think that normal perception starts with the brain creating a prediction of what is “out there”. This prediction is then revised using feedback from the world, and forms the basis of what we perceive.
Perception is edited hallucination.
So one way to understand hallucinations is as uncorrected predictions. If someone has been a consistent, valued presence in your life, the brain is so used to predicting them that it may continue to do so, overruling the world.
A new day has come, but the brain still bets on yesterday."
Simon McCarthy-Jones
"Many scientists think that normal perception starts with the brain creating a prediction of what is “out there”. This prediction is then revised using feedback from the world, and forms the basis of what we perceive.
Perception is edited hallucination.
So one way to understand hallucinations is as uncorrected predictions. If someone has been a consistent, valued presence in your life, the brain is so used to predicting them that it may continue to do so, overruling the world.
A new day has come, but the brain still bets on yesterday."
Simon McCarthy-Jones
(Guildford)
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