ever since i’ve met you, you have been the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
at this point, i’m at a loss of words because i knew i should have let you go a long time ago.
but I didn’t.
so the longer i keep holding on, the more pain i cause myself.
i just can’t stop latching onto the words you’ve once said to me...
“next time you start being a stranger, don’t expect me to let you back in.”
the thing is, i don’t want to lose you. i don’t want to grow up without having my best friend by my side.
but that’s what it’s looking like.
i don’t know where we went wrong. i can’t even keep track of the events in order.
all i know is loving you was the biggest mistake i could have ever done.
but i don’t regret it.
half of me is saddened from reminiscing, and the other is just numb.
knowing that i don’t need you, that you don’t deserve me. you never did.
even from the beginning, i would beat myself up over that fact that i wasn’t ready for commitment. for you.
but only to find out that once i had matured, my love for you could become the most powerful thing about me.
my thoughts remain a wandering bundle of mess which takes up most of the space in my brain.
the tears i cry are no longer salty, but bitter.
and even so, i catch myself turning to the side to let free only two drops of water from my ducts.
i do not deny it, i still look for you.
in crowds, on social media…
wishing, hoping, praying that you would realize that you couldn’t live without me.
but you can.
and you are.
you have been ever since november. why did you do this to me? why me?
i gave you more than i ever thought i could give another human being.
did what we have mean nothing to you?
you lied to me, you took advantage of me, you humiliated me.
you destroyed me.
and it is because of this, that i can no longer associate with you. i never wanted to accept it,
but you are a monster.
you are my enemy, my worst nightmare.
i’m afraid to have you in my life just as much as i am afraid to have you out of it.

- d.berry