i. despising someone is a silent affair. you sit and brood, mull over all the hideous facets of this hate. there's guilt, maybe some shame, but your heart doesn't acknowledge this. why should it? after all, they say listen to your heart, and after he stamped his name on it, all it knows is him. and if that means retaining this small inkling of hate, then so be it.

ii. there's a suffering that accompanies hating someone you almost loved. you're all of the sudden torn completely by these two opposite feelings. somewhere the love you were harbouring is rotting and fermenting; that makes your chest suffer. and somewhere the hate you are creating is burning and eating and boiling; this makes your stomach suffer. all come with a small portion of suffering.

iii. i still long for you. most of the time, all of the time. should i be admitting that? definitely not. so why am i? is it because i feel obligated? because i put effort into you? is it because the last time i talked to you i wanted nothing more than to see your shining face? like a tape, i'll keep that feeling of longing until i'm rewound.

iv. i don't regret meeting you. i don't regret sitting on your bed eating ice cream and complaining about the rain. i don't regret kissing you. i don't regret laughing at your laugh or admiring your beautiful, perfect face. i do regret wishing you were always near. i do regret wanting to spend a while with your soul. i do regret hoping you felt all that i felt. that hope could have been used for something better.

v. i cried myself to exhaustion that night. not to sleep. i cried until my eyes were swollen and my lips cracked. i cried until my chest and my fingers and my legs went numb and then i laid there, so ******* tired, but so terribly agonized. and i hoped for sleep, but all my body wanted was you.