Sometimes its hard for me to understand what the hell is the point of all of this.
I used to believe my purpose was to build a life that could support me and in turn support a wife and family. But I've come to understand that the reality isn't a chance for my dreams to come true. At all points in my life I've always thought that there was the ability to change everything I had into something better.
Now I see that this is my reality, something that cannot change. How am I going to live with this ugly face for the rest of my life without breaking down. I am stuck in this skin with only my messy handwriting to escape to.
My faith in love has faltered, I wouldn't even believe it exists if I see it again. By not caring about others eyes I can find a little solitude but that always leads me to want more that I have. I hate these stupid people and all these ugly thoughts. My life feels disgusting at all points of the day. Every image in my head breeds hatred and anger for the people I once loved. I know I am nothing special anymore, so now I have nothing to offer this world.
All my words just keep repeating because they are all I ever feel.
Over and over I want to be mad, I want to be loved, I want to be special to one person.
I want what I know I'll never truly have.
I hate me, I hate this world, I hate because I can't Love anymore.



*Spring2003