I sit in the car
exhilaration sits on my tongue
the desire to spill my secrets is a buzzing ecstasy
the heady feeling of laying my soul bare
its intoxicating

“I think I’m bi”

Said with a dismissive air
as if the past three years of deliberation and crisis
count for nothing more than a thought

you seem confused
you pause
suddenly the exhilaration fades
and something cold takes its place
curled up in my chest like a weight
You tell me that I don’t know yet
its normal to think girls are pretty
it doesn’t mean anything

you’re trying to be kind
I can tell
you tell me I don’t know yet
you leave a space open for the future
I grasp onto it

years pass
I’ve been kissed
I’ve loved
I’m ready again


“hey mom”

Suddenly I can’t finish
dread snakes through my system again
the words sit perched in my throat

you look at me expectantly
I bare my soul again


“you know that I’m bi right”
Hope flutters in my chest
I’ve said it and I’m sure this time
I can back it up now
I've been sure for seven years

And then you pause

and my heart breaks

somehow you manage to repeat
the words I dreaded
a circle of platitudes
stepping carefully around the word

Confused

“you haven’t experienced anything yet”

No

“one day a man will sweep you off your feet you’ll see”

But I was so sure

You smile kindly
you laugh gently
as if you’ve given me harmless advice
as if you haven’t crushed me

I look away and pretend that I still exist