Swelling and drowning

I feel it coming on again

I can’t stop it anymore and it’s swallowing me whole

I let it take

                  me

                          away

because it’s so much easier to drift than fight to stay.

I slowly recover, head pounding from the aftermath

But not for long

Thinking kills

Realization hurts

Breathing becomes jagged

I can’t stop it and I let it stir me, wind me, push me, kick me, hit me, punch me

I give in

Because it’s so much easier to walk around feeling dead than pray for a heartbeat.

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t even know why but I let it

I ignore the hectic and frantic screams rumbling from inside me

I ignore it all because it’s so much easier than to put the effort in and listen

I just want to fly away and be the bird

Sing my song in the morning and fly away and drift off whenever it hurts

Because it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

But I can’t and I’m stuck

Forever dwindling between the scale ranging from hurt to happiness

Falling short of okay most days

But you mask it with a painted smile and go on

Even though it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t have a right to feel it

But I do

And it won’t go away

I ignore it but I’m not who I was

It’s not that easy anymore

And I hate myself for letting it get to this

Because now it hurts

When it should feel numb

When I was able to feel numb

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts