Grief...

Sneaks up on you
without warning
like a thief in the night
blinding you with its unthinkable power
forcing you to stop in your tracks
rethink everything you thought was real
stealing your happiness
smothering your joy
masking your pain
rerouting your future
Mere seconds
Is all it needs
to sweep you off your path
leaving you wandering in the dark
with no signs pointing where to go
an empty, frightful road ahead
but that part comes later


At first you forget...
How to think
How to feel
How to breathe
But you must do these things
To survive the impact
Shutting down inside
Until you are nothing
Memories on replay
Questions with no answers
Nothing makes sense to you
Yesterday was a dream
of the life you once lived
Today is your reality
Cold, hard, blunt reality
Where time has ceased to exist
But only in your world
And all you can think about
is the divide between
then and now

You may stay here a while
then slowly you start to notice
the eerie silence
of being by yourself
and you reach out to someone
anyone who will listen
you can talk
you can cry
you can scream
you can laugh
you can be alive again
the emptiness has been filled
with emotion again

Then you find yourself
on your knees
paralyzed by the strength of grief
you can't get up
and face the truth
so you hide behind a faithful ruse
those fake smiles
the forced laughter
the countless “I'm okays”
but this will never be okay
how can you accept this
tragedy of your life
and that is the beginning
of all the real emotion
springing forth from a trapped well
inside your soul
feelings you forgot you had
fear you never imagined you'd have
thoughts you wish would stop
pure, raw, human emotion

Anger that threatens to consume you
in fits of rage that threaten your sanity
asking over and over why
knowing you'll never have an answer
mad at him for what he's put you through
mad at yourself for being angry at him
mad at the world because it exists this way
your search for answers
leaves you asking more questions
overwhelming you to the point of tears
then you cry and let it out
until you have no more tears
and you yell at him
and tell him how much you love him
and tell him how much you hate this
and tell him how you wish he was here
and then you yell that your sorry
and you don't even know what for
but there is nothing else to say

The push and pull
between holding on and letting go
feeling happy and feeling sad
wanting to live and wanting to die
knowing you don't have a choice
but to go on and live your life
even if you don't know
what living it means right now
waking up is hard to do
and getting through a day
is your main challenge
so you push through the pain
and fight back the tears
but when the sun sets
and all is still again
there you will find
your old friend grief
welcoming you back again