we try our best to change the ****
to stop the ****
or at least to cut down
we cant help it tho
it can adjust about every frown

as it turns out **** can change us
to better and to worst too
there's a dilemma, a current struggle
honestly, its all just a huge fuss
but more like a mildly muddy puddle

i write all this and share it here
since there is no other place
for if others found out id fear
punishment, concurrences, and more
i cant leave a trace

i am in some sort of pit or hill
stuck below or above
it sorta depends on the power of will
its either that or the other no in between

**** helped a lot to some extent
yet made some things worse
it got harder and harder to deal with life
i'm currently reconsidering searching for a provider, a source

it was all too hard
getting my brain to function
getting rid of tension
getting my emotions involved
it sure was a struggle to eat
and to interact with the people i meet

for those of u who know and understand
i'd rather dissociate and float than remain on land
perhaps you can relate
but the thing is now
i gotta figure this out somehow

sure people on the spectrum are more likely to get psychosis
with OCD and TTM
yea whatever its a confirmed diagnosis

i realised tho that **** actually helped for a while
it got my stress and anxiety down
ya i know this isn't much of a poem, its another style
but there's nowhere to share but here
that's how i initially began typing
ill keep trying and fighting

so here it comes
the question that lingers
it has to do with my thumbs and fingers

can i stop or can i not?
do i start **** again or do i not?
will it help me or will it not?
will the whole thing be eventually worth it or will it not?

idk i am yet to decide