I wish I were home
That way I could be alone
In my bed fit for one
And no bigger, rather
Just as I left it
It is only for me

I wish I were home
So I could not think about my mom
And how she doesn’t know
Her daughter is dying

I wish I were home
And I wouldn’t hear my roommate’s clothes slide off
From man hands that will never in this life
Reach to me

He is across the room in the bed next to me
And the four, 12-inch tiles between are a universe
And he does not see me
He does not know I am listening
And I hear what he’s doing and I’m crying—
Because I know, now
She is something I will never be

This is something I’ll never have
Just me and my bed
So much bigger than my one at home
How long do I sit here pretending I’m sleeping?

How long do I stay as the lives around me are collapsing?
How long do I keep trying?

Do I dare tell him, now
In this dark he cannot see me
That the sound of your tongue on her body
Makes me want to scream
Makes me want to throw myself up at the ceiling
Makes me want to leave

In my own room
In my own bed
It is only for me

And, God, I wish I were home
And I wish I were an angel
And I wish I were Calypso
And I wish he loved me,
So I wouldn’t have to lay here so quietly

But it’s never hit me harder than tonight,
That I am the dark tunnel
That drowns out the light

The people here don’t know who I am
They don’t know what I’ve been,
What I’ve done
They don’t know I can remember every single one

One of the times I felt dark
Had to do with feeling like I’m sinking and dying
And this is now
The worst night of my life
And I’m crying

This darkness is ruining me
It is grabbing me and subduing me
And I am going out like they do in movies
And the song is the sound of
Him ******* my roommate

And I wish, God, I wish
I wish I were home
That way I could be alone
In my bed fit for one
What a love story it is
******* the left gets fingered
And ******* the right writes a poem

And she will be alone for the record
She’s got them beat and she knows it
And the sleep medicine only has her more awake for the moment

And I hope you ******* liked it
I hope you had to grip the sheets so tightly
And I hope you had screamed so I could have pretended it was me
And I hope he’s gone by the time I wake up
So I don’t have to remember it
And I hope you’re gone
And I’m gone
And I know that soon I will be
Because this life is as unexciting and unfulfilling as can be

And I know, love, I’m stunning

I hear the fireworks break right next to me
And I don’t need you to think—
Because you’re not the one who will die from drowning
And you’re not the one who will feel so lonely
Who will feel like her favorite poet
Who suffocated herself with gas from an oven

And I can feel the heat
And it’s burning,
I can tell
In pain you see angels and I go through hell

But it’s never hit me harder than tonight,
And I’m sinking
And it’s dark again
I’m hearing singing and I know I’m going—
And good God, this life

This life is only for me