what you don't know
is that at least one moment of every day
is dedicated to missing you, worrying about you, hoping for you,
needing love from you.

what you don't know
is that i can no longer tell you i miss you
because there is a literal concrete wall between
my head and my heart where you are concerned
to have and to hold you is
to have my heart ache and my head spin
and i can't do it anymore.

what you don't know
is that i think about you far too often,
mostly good things, but also painful things,
how much love we gave, how badly we both were suffering,
how in the end, the suffering consumed us.

what you don't know
is that i am so scared you won't be alive long enough
for me to tell you the truth about everything,
i'm scared we will never have "the conversation"
the conversation everyone dreads - the one where
the truth comes out
the conversation we've both been avoiding
for a long time now.

what you don't know
is that i wish we understood each other
i wish i could tell you how ever since i was a little girl
i have felt like i wasn't good enough
because you were supposed to take care of me
but you were getting drunk instead and so
i had to take care of you.

what you don't know is that
i actually do need you, even though i act like i don't
it's a defence mechanism, these walls are stronger
than your words
but unconditional love can break them down
in a second.

what you don't know is that i am way ******* stronger
than you could have ever imagined

you don't even know the half of it