i cant pull out the sentences trapped in my head
and the silence is choking me.
so i will spit out my words mixed with blood
and watch as my teeth fall out with my screams.
you don’t notice my soaked shirt
that is damp with the red of quiet
but thats okay
because i always wear maroon
when i miss you
so maybe you can hold my stained fingertips
and we can both pretend that
you didn’t forget to fall in in love
with my pretty words
that i remembered just for you
but could not force them out of my tongue.
wishing on a star
has never done me any good
so maybe this time
i’ll make a wish in your eyes
because they are the same thing anyways.
you really are made of space and time
and everything that is inhuman and beautiful.
and the dye in my hair and my short nails cannot hide everything i think is wrong with myself
but they can put a layer of confidence over my glassy eyes.
sometimes you like to kiss my eyelids
and you can taste all the fear i mask within my pupils.
can you maybe dance with me in the rain
and we can sleep when the sun rises
but your soft skin
makes it impossible for anyone to forget
the bitter taste of coffee and the idea of life after death.
i’ll clench my fists, and punch walls until the plaster remembers the shape of my knuckles.
you hate it when i let blood get on the carpet
and i can’t stand when you leave your socks on the bed.
but somehow we manage to still see the light in each others souls.
at midnight, my legs get restless and want to wander until my shoes are worn through
but i will settle for running outside and staring at the sky
until i remember that i am only a small part of this world.
then you smile at me and
i can only think of myself as a moth.
a small creature attracted to the brightest thing i can see.
you.
and i will compare the weight of my guilt
to the weight of yours
and i guess we can see who has the most scars,
even though its not a competition,
it’s nice to know we aren’t as ****** up as we think.
you can play your guitar and i will cry at how soft your voice is,
and the tears that fall will just be a reminder of how we are both still alive.
but just to be sure, put your hand on my chest
and feel how my heart speeds up at your touch.
now we both know how fireworks feel.
so listen to me ramble about how i don’t want to be forgotten
and how im scared of dying.
you can promise me that you won’t leave me,
but we both know that you aren’t telling the truth.
thats okay though
because i will still lie with you under the moon
and we can still try to fall in love again.
when the times comes and you leave me,
i will only part with good wishes and a sore heart
but i knew that it was only a matter of time.
because i know that i am unlovable,
and no one can ever really stay.
i’ve learned how to mend torn hearts.
so i’ll lean into the wall,
and whisper my secrets to the man in the shadows
because i know he won’t tell anyone.
all  i can write is tearing organs and breaking bones,
and maybe this is my way of telling myself that the little man inside of my head isn’t content in my skin.
put your earbuds in
and blast the music that drowns out the rest of the world,
because the moon is too loud.
and it reminds you of home.
but home is where the paper butterflies invade your ceiling
and the dream catchers keep the nightmares at bay.
i remember when i stayed with you for the night,
and you woke up screaming.
i held you until you realized that i was real, and the phantoms in your mind were not.
watch me as i sit down and weep at the memories i seem to have lost.
sometimes i think i cry so much, i should open a salt company.
but instead i will make tea out of my pain, and sit in front of the fire we created
and laugh until i don’t know who i am anymore.
maybe its okay if we just stay like this forever.