So i have been doubting my self confidence lately. I look at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like that. I see an ugly picture of me in the mirror every time and i see a girl with weird eyebrows, no hairline, weird smile and colored teeth. Like, i lost trust in me. Like i have become my own enemy. An enemy of my own body. Before taking any picture, i try as much as i can to employ the little makeup ideas i have on my face so as to look 'cute' but then even so, i end up deleting almost every one of them because they are not 'good enough' They are not up to standard.

I have always felt like this since childhood, that  my body is not good enough. i don't like the stretch marks, i don't have a flat tummy, i don't dress well enough or even have good *****, i don't have a pretty face, like i have really been mean to myself. But there is a time i started looking at myself differently, when you walked into my life. i felt complete, i felt free and easy whenever i was around you. I could easily undress in front of you because you told me i was pretty. You told me you loved my body, you told me you loved my smile, you told me you loved my *****, you told me you loved every bit of my body. You told me you loved me truly and deeply. You made me feel so special, and loved and i loved every moment of it.

But why did you walk away, was it all for an act? An act to get what you wanted? Or were you just thirsty i was just a stopover to quench it? Even so, couldn't you say goodbye and a thank you before you left? Why did you just walk away like that. I keep asking myself so many questions. Is it something i did? Is it something i said? Is it that i am unlovable? Why does every man i love in my life keep walking away from me? Why is it that every man i care for deeply and show my love fully always leave? Maybe its just me, maybe i am too ugly to look at twice. Maybe i am not good enough in bed. Maybe i do not know how to kiss back when kissed. Maybe i am disgusting and you cant pretend to like me anymore. Maybe i just don't deserve to love anyone. Or maybe, i am just too stupid and dumb. I cant concentrate, I need to know what it is with me that makes me so undatable.

I really need to know because it hurts deeply. It hurts so much but then i have to wear a happy face every day when i am with other people. I have to pretend i am okay. Truth is, i am not okay, i am hurting. I think i have cried enough, i have hated myself enough, i have been too mean to myself. But how do i love myself if love hurts this much? I don't want to keep hurting, i want to heal. I want to feel alive again. I want to be happy. Its just so hard! You took it all away. You hated me this much to an extent that you took away the only last hope i had of love. You took away the smile with you, the liveliness in me, the focus in me, the confidence, you took it all away. You hate me too much that you decided that i do not deserve any of it. I need to get out of this cage. I hope one day, just one day i can look into the mirror and see a beautiful girl in me once again.