It overwhelms, swallowing up my life. My eyes grow dreary from the computer screen, so I give up and retreat to my room.
I put on my music; songs not listened to for years.
Mistake.
Sitting down, I slowly press up the volume, pushing the earphones deeper and deeper into my ears until they can go no farther. I can hardly hear my own voice as I sing along to these songs; ghosts from my past.
His face flashes by.
No.
I have no defenses.
Yes.
I let him in.
Mistake.
WHY must you do this.
You show up at all the wrong times?!
My voice hurts just typing this.
I want to scream it at your face.
I bury myself in the music.
Close my eyes, begin to sing.
First, my old favourites, the ones I loved the most. Fun to sing, fun to hear.
Then the ones with pain..
The ones I used to lock my heartbreak into.
I feel my heart rip open.
Blood drips from the wound. Your face. My tears. My screams. My pain. My life.
I scream into the songs.
I feel you walking away.
I see your heart turning from me, against your will.
I want to cry,
But it comes out in my voice.
The things you said hurt me all over again.
I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
This is wrong.
I hate him.
I hate him.
I don't know you.
I don't know me.
I know you.
I don't know.
Sitting down,
eyes closed,
heart open.
My voice jumps
and crescendos
and cracks
with every tear I scream.
I am in my past.
These songs.

These songs were better left untouched.
I was better
when I didn't know
how to cry
through my voice.