i could sit forever and reflect
reflect on everything thats happened and went wrong
everything thats happened and went right
but for some reason i just cant go back in time
i keep trying to
i keep trying to go back
i feel pain nothing but hallow poison running through me
what can make me feel full?
i use people to fill the void
and when they cant they need to leave
i wont tell them to though
i usually hope they can just do that on their own
everyday i look back on what didn’t go right
i look back on everything i could have done differently
how can i make myself better without a time machine
how can i make things right
without answers i feel so empty i feel so lost i feel so confused
but the questions scare me
they wont roll off my tounge they wont come out of my mouth without a fight their so bitter to taste i dont want to ask
rejection is my worst enemy my biggest fear my downfall
i will drown in toxicity drown in pain and unhappy feelings before i prepare for rejection
i usually forget my umbrella on a rainy day, if you know what i mean
the glass is always half empty, if you know what i mean
i want to relive every happy moment in my life just to feel full for a little while
my first love made me so full i want to fall in love with him again i want to meet him again i want him to mend me again
i cant pin point many times that ive felt full that ive felt complete im never complete never comfortable never content
i wonder if one day ill be
maybe one day ill feel so full that i’ll miss being empty
i hope one day i find purpose
i know one day i will i mean doesnt everyone
even if right after i find it i die i take my last breath i want to find purpose
my purpose throughout my years always ended up being making someone else happy
i want to relive the day i was born the first time i saw light
i cant remember that day but i wish i could
i wish i could meet my parents again
i wish i could meet my siblings again
i wish i was reborn i wish i had another chance
i guess you could say everyday is another chance but what about the baggage?
what about the pain that follows me its like im holding in a deep breath like im holding in a inhale full of smoke
how do i let it go
how could i unpack
i dont want to feel it anymore i want to forget
i cant hate these people anymore its draining my soul
i wish i could meet him again
my most recent disappointment
just so i could hurt him first
but he said i hurt him already but i cant seem to see how
my dad told me he hurt me because i had expectations but maybe i hurt him for the same exact reasons
i wonder what his expectations were for me
why did he even have them i wish he couldve read me
im not the type of person who you should expect anything other then suffocating feelings from
i wonder if i suffocated him
i hope i did i hope he felt my love
i didnt feel his but i dont even know if he was putting that on the table for me to eat
he didnt put that on my plate
its like gave me a bowl of peas but i was so hungry
i hate peas
but i was so hungry
i had to eat
i ate
i wasnt satisfied
but i ate
everyone gives me the worst meals but i eat
i hope i learn how to go back in time one day
so i can meet everyone i loved again and love them harder
maybe if i love harder this time they wont let go
i havent let go
im holding on to a rope but no ones holding on to the other side
im drowning
im hungry
im reflecting
i hope learn something