Jan 2019
The setting sun warms the surface of the sand and the light dances into my eyes as I stare down the distance of the beach wondering why I was here. The waves were quiet and dark crashing onto the shore in a methodical fashion always seeming to reach my bare feet yet falling short just before I can be graced by their cool touch. As I walk farther down the shore the sun begins to sink below the surface of the water as if to hide from the events unfolding. As the light drowns beneath the darkness I watch it suffer as it breathes its last rays of light into this world. It’s gone… too soon?
The wind now sheds its embracing touch for its more wild nature. The trees flail as the gales bully its boughs into submission. My clothes now seem to lose their connection to my skin and flow freely around my body as if I am the ***** and they fear my touch. The sky finally paints over its last layer of red with the ominous presence of the violet clouds. The smell of the salty sea is usurped by the oppressive smell of dead rotting fish. Heat fades from this world as the cold cloak of the night seeps from the other side.
My mind is lost. My feet now move towards the waves as the water glides towards me. It washes over my ankles with sharp bites as if to warn me not to challenge the approaching tempest. The sand below my feet falls away from itself as it is taken by the waves. My knees feel the touch of the bitter waters but they stay strong; they know their goal. My shirt has now become damp and heavy as it becomes continuously soaked by the deepening water. The water has become resistant to the pursuit of my goal as it mounts its final resistance. Lightning strikes in the background and thunder soon follows. The quickest thought flashes over my mind as I consider the possibility that I am making a mistake. But it left as soon as it came and I remembered the pain in my life, the pain in my heart. I hear a roar from deep within the heart of the ocean and I see my future, my past, the present. The world has accepted my desire and has welcomed me with open arms. I stare at the coming wave and for just a moment I see my twisted reflection dancing; whether to mock me or to celebrate my relief I no longer care.
As if I was just a leaf in the path of the eternal wind of existence the wave smashed into me and flung me deep into the sea. Deeper and deeper. There is no sky, there is no sand, no wind, and no light. Only the water, deep and apathetic to any regrets or second I may have. I feel only water; in my mouth, in my nose, in my lungs filling them to the brim seeking to quench my thirst. My eyes do not burn from the sting of the salt, they burn from the pain in my heart. My head hurts, not like it always has, but like its trying to hold on to what I had, what I have left, this place, this world.
I see only darkness now. I hear only my thoughts now. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I thought that when I was gone I would be in peace. That world was not peace. That world was an awkward conversation, glances from strangers, people you thought were your friends, friends who you thought thought of you as more than just a thought. Simple thoughts, substanceless with no end in society, bickering, distracting, trying to find a place in a place you think doesn’t want you. When the truth is it's you who doesn’t want you, and that’s the only thing that matters. I wanted people to like me because I thought that me could be made better by them because they told me they were better than me. I allowed myself to be pushed down and run over with no resistance because I tried and I had failed before, I just wanted it to be over. But now I want closure. I don’t want others to die thinking that this is desire, that this is ecstasy. Next to me is where they shouldn’t be. Pain, suffering, regret, fear, anger, revenge… it's all a raging fire I hold close to my heart. I wanted to put it out with water. A deep and dark water that there is no return from. If I do others will follow. They will ask me, “What should I do holy father?” Jump into the water. Nothing is not the solution to everything. The fire they have given us is strong, but jumping in is so wrong. Only when I’m on the edge of the diving board do I see the true extent of the water. The slaughter of all the people’s hearts and all the people’s souls. I know now that my feelings aren’t something to hide, that my feelings aren’t something I can put to the side. I can put out that fire.
Tears run down my cheeks. Their taste is ambrosiac. My shadow forms along the soft surface of the sand as the day rises slowly. I see the great expanse of the ocean and I remember everything that anyone has or will have done to me. I look down the length of the beach… and I start walking.
The wind now sheds its embracing touch for its more wild nature. The trees flail as the gales bully its boughs into submission. My clothes now seem to lose their connection to my skin and flow freely around my body as if I am the ***** and they fear my touch. The sky finally paints over its last layer of red with the ominous presence of the violet clouds. The smell of the salty sea is usurped by the oppressive smell of dead rotting fish. Heat fades from this world as the cold cloak of the night seeps from the other side.
My mind is lost. My feet now move towards the waves as the water glides towards me. It washes over my ankles with sharp bites as if to warn me not to challenge the approaching tempest. The sand below my feet falls away from itself as it is taken by the waves. My knees feel the touch of the bitter waters but they stay strong; they know their goal. My shirt has now become damp and heavy as it becomes continuously soaked by the deepening water. The water has become resistant to the pursuit of my goal as it mounts its final resistance. Lightning strikes in the background and thunder soon follows. The quickest thought flashes over my mind as I consider the possibility that I am making a mistake. But it left as soon as it came and I remembered the pain in my life, the pain in my heart. I hear a roar from deep within the heart of the ocean and I see my future, my past, the present. The world has accepted my desire and has welcomed me with open arms. I stare at the coming wave and for just a moment I see my twisted reflection dancing; whether to mock me or to celebrate my relief I no longer care.
As if I was just a leaf in the path of the eternal wind of existence the wave smashed into me and flung me deep into the sea. Deeper and deeper. There is no sky, there is no sand, no wind, and no light. Only the water, deep and apathetic to any regrets or second I may have. I feel only water; in my mouth, in my nose, in my lungs filling them to the brim seeking to quench my thirst. My eyes do not burn from the sting of the salt, they burn from the pain in my heart. My head hurts, not like it always has, but like its trying to hold on to what I had, what I have left, this place, this world.
I see only darkness now. I hear only my thoughts now. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I thought that when I was gone I would be in peace. That world was not peace. That world was an awkward conversation, glances from strangers, people you thought were your friends, friends who you thought thought of you as more than just a thought. Simple thoughts, substanceless with no end in society, bickering, distracting, trying to find a place in a place you think doesn’t want you. When the truth is it's you who doesn’t want you, and that’s the only thing that matters. I wanted people to like me because I thought that me could be made better by them because they told me they were better than me. I allowed myself to be pushed down and run over with no resistance because I tried and I had failed before, I just wanted it to be over. But now I want closure. I don’t want others to die thinking that this is desire, that this is ecstasy. Next to me is where they shouldn’t be. Pain, suffering, regret, fear, anger, revenge… it's all a raging fire I hold close to my heart. I wanted to put it out with water. A deep and dark water that there is no return from. If I do others will follow. They will ask me, “What should I do holy father?” Jump into the water. Nothing is not the solution to everything. The fire they have given us is strong, but jumping in is so wrong. Only when I’m on the edge of the diving board do I see the true extent of the water. The slaughter of all the people’s hearts and all the people’s souls. I know now that my feelings aren’t something to hide, that my feelings aren’t something I can put to the side. I can put out that fire.
Tears run down my cheeks. Their taste is ambrosiac. My shadow forms along the soft surface of the sand as the day rises slowly. I see the great expanse of the ocean and I remember everything that anyone has or will have done to me. I look down the length of the beach… and I start walking.
