i have a ***** secret
something hidden to everyone around me, that i hide with smiles and laughter
something that brings tears to my eyes and a weight to my shoulders
i ran away from home when i was twenty
i didn't know what i would be leaving for good when i did leave
i thought it was just for a visit to sunny california
there, however, i found a second home
i broke my first home, my parents and sister, in the process
not just them but the rest of my family and friends
i have lived with the guilt
of knowing how much i have broken them
of not knowing the depths of their pain
that is what hurts me the most
knowing just how much i've broken and hurt them
how much i still grapple with the guilt
how much i feel i have shamed them
acting as though it does not bother me
when, in reality, it kills me every day
knowing what i did to them
knowing how much i changed their lives
knowing how much i hurt them
however
they have forgiven me
they love me
we see each other when we're able to
we call and text and stay in contact
i am truly blessed to be in their lives
that they still want me in their lives
i do not deserve their forgiveness
i still struggle with the guilt
some days are easier than others
even still
i am not worthy of their love
i will always carry the guilt
it is my burden to bear