When the feelings subside...
From the negative self talk to the self-hatred.
From the disordered eating to depression and anxiety.
From trauma to substance abuse.
When all of that and more subsides...

I will listen to "The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens. I will lay on my back looking up at the ceiling, debating all that's whole in the world. I will turn my head to see a human looking back at me, as to remind me i'm so much more than myself in a world that beckons to hear me.

When the feelings of
guilt, shame, and self-loathing subside
and the light seems to shine over a trillion clouds
with a small smile from the heavens
-if i were the poet to believe in heaven-

i will draw with my favorite pen
and write a letter to someone i once despised
yet never send it
because **** actual feelings
and **** spending money on stamps

when the feelings of disgust and squirminess
decide to run away,
and i'm left with a black hole of anger

i will simultaneously cry and scream while running away
from everything i once believed
i will block a person or two, feeling utter regret
rant about three more times,
and return to the life i call home.