I don’t like hearing my own heart beat in my ears. It reminds me that I am real

and that these feelings rushing through my heart are real

that this pain is real and that it isn’t something I can escape.

Oh, to leave behind my heartbeat and forget my own existence. To be separate from this hurting within my veins, the screaming cells that throw themselves against the walls and ricochet. A howl in an empty hallway. Sorrow has replaced my blood and it is an empty void which I don’t believe can be filled, at least not permanently. For every time I begin to fill it I am torn away from those lips I crave and sent back into the company of myself. Company that I never did much like.

I don’t like hearing my own heart beat in my ears, for it reaffirms that I am indeed alive and that this pain does not leave.