I woke up to a checkered reality
and the absolutes of abandonment
three hundred miles from a meal
From the red velvet love I craved

From cream cheese acceptance
and everything bagels with
horseradish guidance, the kind that
stings in your nostrils and
goes down sour, but resurfaces years
later. From the memories that taste sweeter than
ice cream on my tongue.

I woke up to empty pantry lies
The kind to which self authenticity dies
and I fought on, hungrier than I’ve ever been,
skinnier than I’ve ever been.

I woke up lying in bed, puking on myself, and lying
to everyone around me
“I’m fine,” I say
and it’s true as long
as the bile stays in my insides

I bruised myself on a baseball
one I had to throw and catch and
catch and throw
Alone for hours
before I could come inside.

I licked sweat and bile
from my face.
I swallowed my dried tongue,
I ran until I couldn’t breathe
for the father who told me to
for a glass of water.

I choked down the bitter pills
I choked under the bitter hand.
And last night,
I choked down a bitter bottle
to feel something a little sweeter

All the while,
I dreamed strawberry milk dreams of
a future spinning like blue cotton candy,
dreamed of the blank white canvas of a life to live,
dreamed of your lips, stained blue with frosting...
Dreamed dreams of bubblegum,
passed from your mouth to mine.