i trace the fire escape diagram
i hear a nurse say my exam room in a voice that is a hushed yell

and then i shape shifted
i became the door
i heard the results
of the urinalysis
the medical staff murmur
the door that was not just a door because it was also the other side
it was the end of ever feeling normal

and then i shapeshifted
i became the insulin vial
into shaking milky contents before drawing up
an addiction to survival
of marks into fat instead of veins
of hoarding life in the glass walls
of my benevolent cage

and then i shapeshifted
i became the doctor
who saw a 13 year old girl shaking
withdrawal symptoms from high glucose
promising false hopes and faith healing
promising a cure soon
promising god's love
that would never arrive

and then i shapeshifted
i became the faulty pancreas
under attack from a faulty immune system
giving it my very last push of life
i really thought i was doing the right thing
i didn't know i could **** the girl

and then i shapeshifted
i became the floor cleaner
acrid and masking the smell of the previous occupant
pressing against the girls face, etching myself into her skin
becoming the fear in her trembling hand

and then i shapeshifted
i became my mother holding her daughter
slapping her cheek
rubbing glucose gel into her gums
willing her to live

and then i shapeshifted
and i became a thin, pale girl
who just wanted to leave the hospital
but after a diagnosis the hospital never leaves you
you return for every checkup or emergency or surgery
and you never know when the end will be but
you know will die in a hospital

i just wanted to be the that girl
who did not count out 13 and half grapes like all the other kids would never even think about
i just wanted to be the ******* the other side of the door
who didn't know the diagnosis
who knew the way out
tracing an escape by heart