Dec 2018
Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from you and I’m beginning to panic. My mind keeps racing back to the last time we didn’t speak for that long and the worst starts to fill my head. The thought of you being in a coma again is unfathomable but that’s the only explanation of why you’re not answering.
Summer before senior year was hands down the worst summer of my life. I didn’t know it then, but you were my best friend. We didn’t talk much over the summer but we kept in touch, saying that when school started up again we’d never part ways. We started talking about some dumb boy and for some reason we got into a huge argument over that. Sometime during the next day I texted you a simple “Hey,” so I could apologize, but I didn’t get a response. I waited a few hours and you still hadn’t answered me. Maybe my first text didn’t go through; I send another text. Still, there was no response from you. Soon enough, a week passes by…and another…and we almost hit the one month mark but that’s when, “Bzzz! Bzzz!”
I’m at work and finally your name pops up on my phone screen and I excitedly read the message. “If you’re reading this, it’s too late. Just kidding, but there is something I need to tell you…” I start to lose it. My eyes frantically read over the message and I can barely comprehend what’s going on. There’s something about you having brain surgery and something else about how you’re really sorry for making this decision. I think I saw something about how you purposely picked a fight with me that day because you’d thought it’s be easier than telling me what was going on. I can’t believe it. I can feel my lip quivering and my eyes begin to water while my breath can’t escape my lungs. I had to go through my entire shift at work pretending that I was alright even though my best friend was in a coma. I had to think about how my better half is suffering and there’s nothing I could do to save her because I wasn’t even sure which hospital you were in.
While you’re sitting in the hospital I try to make small conversation with your sister. I tried to keep her spirits high while mine were running low. I couldn’t let her see that I was falling apart because I was the only one she had standing by her side. Eventually you wake up and we’re all relieved that you’re miraculously alive. Something seems off though and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until that dumb boy we had argued over told me you had amnesia. He told me how when you woke up you didn’t even know who I was. It wasn’t your fault but you had no clue that you were my best friend. So I guess you couldn’t have known how awful that summer actually was.
Fast forward a couple days to the start of senior year; I see you and I know you’re walking through the halls with a fake smile on your face pretending everything is okay. It was ironic how our smiles matched because we were both faking it the best we could. I helped you to all your classes even though you kept telling me you didn’t need the help. You put up a brave front and you told me, “Even though my world is falling apart, I can’t let anyone see me break down. What kind of valedictorian would I be?” That summed you up perfectly. No matter what you were going through you always had that fake smile plastered on your face.
As senior year progressed we became inseparable. It was always the two of us together and people were amazed if they ever saw one of us without the other. We did all the smalls that senior year entails: football games, pep rallies, field trips, even prom. Soon graduation was upon us. We had done it. Through all the ups and downs, and all the challenges we had faced, we were finally graduating. You were excited to be attending the Naval Academy, your dream school. You were finally happy that you could permanently get out of Jersey. I knew that all the secrets you had entrusted me with would die as soon as were turned our tassels, because that’s what you had hope for and I couldn’t let you down.
Summer begins. You throw a small going away party and I’m the only person who realizes this is the last time you’ll see any of us. I stay over and I try to make the time last because I knew it would be our last moment together. Emotions had gotten the best of me and I had to leave early the next morning so that I wouldn’t stain your couch with my tears. At the time I didn’t realize this would be one of my favorite memories of you.
Summer is gone in an instant and it felt like just yesterday we were standing in your living room saying our goodbyes. We hadn’t talked much except for the occasional letter or two because you were busy at basic training. August came and you were allowed to have your phone back so after the couple hours of catching up, I had to go to work and you had to do some more training. College classes started and we were excited to say that we were finally college students.
September and October passed us by in a blur. November comes and I was the only one excited for your birthday. Even though we can’t spend this day together, I still send you countless birthday wishes. The day after your birthday was the last time we talked. A week passed and by now I’ve sent you a dozen messages asking how you’re doing, but I don’t get any responses. Another week passes by and still no response. This is when I begin to panic. My mind races back to summer when you were in a coma. I can’t help but wonder if you’re dead or alive and this time I have no way of knowing.
The one month mark is about to hit and I’m slowly losing my mind. Leaving you the day after your party was hard enough, how am I supposed to say goodbye when I can’t even see you?
You wake up again, but this time it’s different. There’s the same case of amnesia but a different outcome because this time you don’t have the faintest idea of who I am and you aren’t recovering. You don’t know how much we’ve grown together or how much we’ve been through. You don’t know that if I look inside myself I can find broken pieces of you. I’m at a loss for words because when I speak to you, you’re looking through me as if I’m just another visitor in your hospital room. When people ask what happened to my best friend, all I can tell them is, “She’s still smiling,” and I could never forget the memory of you.
Summer before senior year was hands down the worst summer of my life. I didn’t know it then, but you were my best friend. We didn’t talk much over the summer but we kept in touch, saying that when school started up again we’d never part ways. We started talking about some dumb boy and for some reason we got into a huge argument over that. Sometime during the next day I texted you a simple “Hey,” so I could apologize, but I didn’t get a response. I waited a few hours and you still hadn’t answered me. Maybe my first text didn’t go through; I send another text. Still, there was no response from you. Soon enough, a week passes by…and another…and we almost hit the one month mark but that’s when, “Bzzz! Bzzz!”
I’m at work and finally your name pops up on my phone screen and I excitedly read the message. “If you’re reading this, it’s too late. Just kidding, but there is something I need to tell you…” I start to lose it. My eyes frantically read over the message and I can barely comprehend what’s going on. There’s something about you having brain surgery and something else about how you’re really sorry for making this decision. I think I saw something about how you purposely picked a fight with me that day because you’d thought it’s be easier than telling me what was going on. I can’t believe it. I can feel my lip quivering and my eyes begin to water while my breath can’t escape my lungs. I had to go through my entire shift at work pretending that I was alright even though my best friend was in a coma. I had to think about how my better half is suffering and there’s nothing I could do to save her because I wasn’t even sure which hospital you were in.
While you’re sitting in the hospital I try to make small conversation with your sister. I tried to keep her spirits high while mine were running low. I couldn’t let her see that I was falling apart because I was the only one she had standing by her side. Eventually you wake up and we’re all relieved that you’re miraculously alive. Something seems off though and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until that dumb boy we had argued over told me you had amnesia. He told me how when you woke up you didn’t even know who I was. It wasn’t your fault but you had no clue that you were my best friend. So I guess you couldn’t have known how awful that summer actually was.
Fast forward a couple days to the start of senior year; I see you and I know you’re walking through the halls with a fake smile on your face pretending everything is okay. It was ironic how our smiles matched because we were both faking it the best we could. I helped you to all your classes even though you kept telling me you didn’t need the help. You put up a brave front and you told me, “Even though my world is falling apart, I can’t let anyone see me break down. What kind of valedictorian would I be?” That summed you up perfectly. No matter what you were going through you always had that fake smile plastered on your face.
As senior year progressed we became inseparable. It was always the two of us together and people were amazed if they ever saw one of us without the other. We did all the smalls that senior year entails: football games, pep rallies, field trips, even prom. Soon graduation was upon us. We had done it. Through all the ups and downs, and all the challenges we had faced, we were finally graduating. You were excited to be attending the Naval Academy, your dream school. You were finally happy that you could permanently get out of Jersey. I knew that all the secrets you had entrusted me with would die as soon as were turned our tassels, because that’s what you had hope for and I couldn’t let you down.
Summer begins. You throw a small going away party and I’m the only person who realizes this is the last time you’ll see any of us. I stay over and I try to make the time last because I knew it would be our last moment together. Emotions had gotten the best of me and I had to leave early the next morning so that I wouldn’t stain your couch with my tears. At the time I didn’t realize this would be one of my favorite memories of you.
Summer is gone in an instant and it felt like just yesterday we were standing in your living room saying our goodbyes. We hadn’t talked much except for the occasional letter or two because you were busy at basic training. August came and you were allowed to have your phone back so after the couple hours of catching up, I had to go to work and you had to do some more training. College classes started and we were excited to say that we were finally college students.
September and October passed us by in a blur. November comes and I was the only one excited for your birthday. Even though we can’t spend this day together, I still send you countless birthday wishes. The day after your birthday was the last time we talked. A week passed and by now I’ve sent you a dozen messages asking how you’re doing, but I don’t get any responses. Another week passes by and still no response. This is when I begin to panic. My mind races back to summer when you were in a coma. I can’t help but wonder if you’re dead or alive and this time I have no way of knowing.
The one month mark is about to hit and I’m slowly losing my mind. Leaving you the day after your party was hard enough, how am I supposed to say goodbye when I can’t even see you?
You wake up again, but this time it’s different. There’s the same case of amnesia but a different outcome because this time you don’t have the faintest idea of who I am and you aren’t recovering. You don’t know how much we’ve grown together or how much we’ve been through. You don’t know that if I look inside myself I can find broken pieces of you. I’m at a loss for words because when I speak to you, you’re looking through me as if I’m just another visitor in your hospital room. When people ask what happened to my best friend, all I can tell them is, “She’s still smiling,” and I could never forget the memory of you.
To all the people willing to read this long thing, thank you.
