I am weak again.
I looked at his Instagram profile
I mean really looked
I looked at the Bio
I looked at the posts.

I am weak again!
I read the posts,
I mean really read
I read posts I had only skimmed over before
I even double tapped
Then I remembered that he might get a notification,
For a moment I was scared,
Then I didn’t care
because I knew he would still not reach out.
He wasn’t supposed to reach out!
He wasn’t going to reach out!

I am weak. Again!
I then looked at his WhatsApp profile picture
It’s like he was looking right through me
Like he could see me all the way across the pacific,
But I knew that he wasn’t seeing me
That he wouldn’t see me
That he wasn’t supposed to see me.

I am weak. Again!
As the day came to an end,
I was happy that I managed not to reach out
Then I saw his Instagram story,
It had been posted two hours ago
I even read up on google what it was about,
I felt like I was very late to see it
Would he be happy, anxious, or concerned that I had seen it after two hours since he posted it,
Would he care?
I feared deep down that he wouldn’t care
He wasn’t supposed to care,
He wouldn’t care!

I am weak. Again!
Tears gathered in my eyes
I hate crying!
He has taught me that I can cry!
I gazed out through the high ceiling windows
To the lights of the early night
I paused my movie
I miss him
I had fallen in love with him
Did he know?
Did it matter?
It wasn’t supposed to matter,
It doesn’t matter
He’s not supposed to know
It wasn’t supposed to happen.

I am weak . Again!
I want to call him
I want to hear his voice, just his voice
Even if it’s scorn
Or anger
Or disappointment!
But he wouldn’t talk to me!
He’s not supposed to talk to me!
He won’t talk to me.

I have been weak before
This is not the first time
This won’t be the last time
I wish it could be the last time
But it won’t be!
I don’t want to cry anymore!
I hate being weak!
But the crying won’t stop.
Why did I let him in?
What was I thinking?
When will it end!

I am weak!

I’ll be stronger tomorrow. Maybe. Maybe Not!