alone I sit
on the ground next to the broken glass bottle I smashed
whilst trying to make sense of the emptiness creeping
inside my veins
I don't understand why this pain never goes away unless
I drink and smoke myself
half to death
and even then
it's only a different kind of sadness
I try to remain calm
but the darkness I feel is only half of the story
smothering my dreams with
frowning faces
and people having a great
*******
time
whilst I sit out
because I'm too scared of rejection to even bother trying
and even when I have a 'good day'
it's like I'm trying too hard to feel anything
that I never seem to have a good time after all
I know this seems selfish
and every time I complain or cry I feel like I'm taking the one life I have for granted
but I'd give literally
anything
to feel like a person just one more time
because I'm constantly either just on the edge of reality
looking back on myself like a memory
picking myself apart at the seams
my flaws illuminated in the sky of my mind
for everyone to see
my mistakes tenfold
and bigger than they should be
mentally kicking myself after everything I say and do
or I'm too involved
feeling the fake laughs ripple through my body
seeing the smile
melt off my face
drenching myself in my disappointment
I constantly try to convince myself that I'm normal
but every time I even come close to positive emotions
my mind rejects them the only way it knows how
and every time the emotions are negative
the curtain rod and the light shade look inviting
and the razor in the bathroom and the cheap ***** on the shelf
become my best friends
clutching onto reality
the way I taught myself
all those years ago