The nightmares are back.

I count the time to their deaths.
Women live longer than men,
on average. Mum has osteoporosis.
When I was 6, I gave myself 40 years.
That's how I planned never to miss
them. Children need parents, I reasoned.
We had a close family of 3. Gave up
the rest, like old clothes. Good people
shouldn't keep more than they need.
Then my sister happened- just that
wish for her changed matters. Then
the math became too hard. How much
time does anyone want? How long
to buy me a house with big windows?
The ground doesn't open to take you,
you know? The heart doesn't know when
to stop. Hands- that's what makes an end.
Hands and a cut-throat mind.

I had nightmares.
Big Ben
counting
down.
The terror of screaming out,
with no-one
to come.