when I remember you,
despite whatever has happened
despite all that I know,
when I remember you

I don't imagine the hell
you put me through.

I don't imagine the
your breath hit he back of my neck
or the piercing way
I felt your stare cut through me.

I remember us singing, laughing

I remember loving you
needing you
not being able to find fault in you.

When I remember you
I remember leaning on you
I remember feeling like I would never
be able to replace you.

I remember all of the things
and people
All of the love
I would have sacrificed
for you.

When I remember you
my heart bleeds
because I trusted you,
And I was not ready
to make the decision
to let you go.

I was not ready to grieve the love
I spent on you.
And somehow
I'm still not.
Somehow,
I still can't let you go
and my heart still bleeds.

I still grieve.
I hate you, but I love you.
And I am still trying to learn to
live without you.