I sit in a room with a view. Dripping wet with the sweat of another **** nightmare. There was this girl and she wanted to give me love. Something I just can't accept. Why does she always visit me in the night? If she only knew how I felt. What I was. She would not be here lying next with me; a liar, a thief, a breaker of hearts and promises. I am selfish destroyer of all things beautiful. Was in Kansas City once, a person I met in an elevator told me how beautiful the city was. I wanted to see what they saw. All I saw was burnt out buildings, grown over ivied walls. There were abandoned cars and shopping cart houses. Beautiful not a word I can describe from the memory of my own eyes. When I hear it I think of childbirth, of meadows in far away spaces, places I could only read about in national geographic. I have seen the pictures. They are beautiful. They are honest. They are not inside this room. They are outside far away from me but next to you. I search for a towel to wipe away this pain dripping off my face. I pray for help. I pray for something meaningful. Something a little more beautiful