I think of it as drowning
The water is so thick to the point where it’s not even water anymore
I think of it as being held down
Held down by the things you feel as if you absolutely could not live without them
Things you both hate and love
Things like family

An abusive relationship with pops
Words like bullets being shot at you by mom
But remember
They said they loved you every time
Every smack, whack, every bullet slowly but surely doing its damage
Isn’t that what bullets are supposed to do?

You learned that if you built walls to stand against all the hurt
You wouldn’t feel the damage
You didn’t realize that you only paused the reaction
Slowed down the effect
Like a drunk, you were numbed by the feeling
The feeling of hurt and betrayal
Feelings of being unwanted and unloved

Thirteen years I was put through this
A horror film stuck on replay
But this horror film was nothing like the rest.
There were no ghosts or ghouls, but the real fears
of life
Depression
Death
Unhappiness
Everything you shouldn’t want your baby girl to feel