(the original)
i lay listening to the silence, letting my mind wonder through the echos of nothing. and in this surrounding silence i hear the overwhelming symphony that is emotion.

(the rewrite)
I lay listening to the silence,
letting my mind wonder through the echos of nothing.
In this surrounding silence of calm still something hums.
It comes and goes till at last it unfolds,
A symphony playing bold!

The crescendo grows.
A melody iv never known.
A whisper of what i need.
Growing like a seed greeted by the sun, its shell unbound and undone.

All its dreams still to come.
No despair only summers fun.
But be this nothing more
then the silent mans hum.