Dec 2012
I'm selfish, but I learned it from you.
But you're so focused
on what the mirror reflects
You never noticed when I left
You don't know this, but i envy you
i wish i could not care about me
as beautifully as you do
You taught me how to prioritize,
how to always put myself first.
Not intentionally, but I watched you... and learned
to mimic you like a child
I learned that emotions should be hushed
and rationale should be encouraged.
I learned how to put trivial things aside...
like long hugs and midnight hikes.
I learned to live without
your lips
on mine.
Thank you for teaching me what it takes to survive
But you're so focused
on what the mirror reflects
You never noticed when I left
You don't know this, but i envy you
i wish i could not care about me
as beautifully as you do
You taught me how to prioritize,
how to always put myself first.
Not intentionally, but I watched you... and learned
to mimic you like a child
I learned that emotions should be hushed
and rationale should be encouraged.
I learned how to put trivial things aside...
like long hugs and midnight hikes.
I learned to live without
your lips
on mine.
Thank you for teaching me what it takes to survive
My ex was really afraid of getting hurt. He was cheated on before. He never said anything sweet, and he always put me last on his list of priorities. I'd go out of my way to spend time with him in person. But, he is an ambitious soul and he was always focused on himself, even when he wasn't studying or working. So, I'd just be sitting there for a few hours on his bed in his room, while he played video games or texted or skyped his friends. I always feel stupid for being okay with that. It's like I gave him permission to ignore me. For two entire years. It's not like I did anything to deserve any of that, it's just the way he was. He always knew what to say to hurt the people he cared about though. That's one thing I always hoped he'd forget how to do. He could cut you down with a look, or quiet you with a single word. Or he could go in for the **** and smash that button everyone has that, when pressed, crushes your entire spirit. I guess he must have learned how to hurt people so efficiently from the girl that broke his heart. Still. He was always there for me, as long as I was committed to him. If I needed him to take me to school, or study, or help me with something that had to do with my future career, he'd help. But, I felt so distant after a while. And, even though I wanted to love him like I'd never loved anyone before, I couldn't. He was too far away, emotionally. But, my connection with him was suffering because he couldn't open up more to me and be vulnerable like a normal person, because he seriously believed that I'd wind up hurting him. Or that I'd somehow make him regret it. I'm not guessing here, this is what he's told me. That's so frustratingly sad. I'm a hypocrite though, because the walls I'm building now are probably just as strong as his. It's kind of funny how heartache is so cyclical. Like a game of cause and effect that never really stops. She hurt him and made him afraid to let anyone else as close as she was. He built his walls and then we met. In spite of everything, I played the fool and fell for him. Now, because he's still bearing the weight of her infidelity like a cross on his back, he won't love anyone like he loved her. And, now it's my turn to be the one who crushes other people's spirits I guess. I left him. Because, he really did teach me through example. Anyway. I'm only writing this to vent so I can feel less sad. It's not poetry, it's just me venting.
