I hate to hate myself but I know I can't control it
To battle it
To struggle against it is so exhausting
That steady pulse against my fingers feels so strong
So vital
And I want to strike a match on my skin
Drive a blade in
Watch the sweet body nectar flow as if water from a river
I imagine the ways in which I'd die
If I drove a little faster on this curvy road of life
To inch that needle higher
Strike that sweet spot harder
Feel the pain erase the numbing calm
It's sad to feel this way
When everything is so perfect
Sad to feel insecure
When nothing here is threatening
Why can't I stop this thought line?
The linear steps to burial
Even if nothing physical
The mental is killing me slowly.