At night
I can hear my heart beat
Over the white noise
It’s a beckoning
An invitation

And it scares me

It reminds me
That I’m alive
But not truly living

Sometimes
When I wake up at night
I walk to the bathroom
And think
This is it
This is what life is
This is what it looks like

It’s the kind of recognition
That vibrates throughout my
Entire body
The darkness
The quiet
The incredible alone

I wonder why in these
Little moments
At night
This realization hits
With such force
Little moments when I have
No control
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose

I wonder why
It’s so hard for
That realization
To strike
When I’m awake
Aware
And have a voice to share

I drown at night
To the sound of my own
Beating heart
And the expansiveness
Of my tiny existence
Afraid
That I’ll miss my chance
To feel this life
While I’m alive