I want to disappear,
but it’s not what you think. I’m on the brink of this thinking and off harmony chords,
that vibrate within
my slowly suturing skull.
Telling me things out of horror story gore. You wouldn’t believe the holograms
in my head
that bend light toward the dark and leave me hungry and bowed,
curled up tighter than Mom’s overnight plastic beauty.
So you can see, I just need to escape
for a while. I’ve thought this through,
I’ve written you,
explaining where I had gone.
Unfortunately,
I could find nowhere before this to go.
My shackled nerve endings followed me
to each place, no peace or no space,
just a new destination
with the same fat bellied demons rolling around in my gut, and I realized
one destination,
that couldn’t be touched
by fired frustration
or a black widow spider
spinning her web, biting the flesh of my heart.
I was already dead.
I have been, for a while and,
I couldn’t explain it to you.
The only way to make it stop
is to fight it where it is.

The shot to my heart
was an obvious choice to start,
make the spiders slither
to another comfy place,
and I thought about my face,
I really did.
That’s all I’m sorry for,
is you can’t look at my face,
but the dread in my head
was the absolute place
I needed to be free of and finally float through the earth.
And if you’re finding this letter
instead of standing bedside,
I need you to know,
I am free,
finally, alive.

~kb