I don't know how to feel.
With her gone.
I know she's coming back soon
Within the week
But I don't know how to feel

She has depression.
For the last three months
Suicidal thoughts
We hope that was it.

The day she left for the hospital
I cried for 6 hours
I got to talk to her, through text.
But it wasn't enough.
I didn't even get to see her

She told me not to lash out,
That it wasn't my fault.
But how isn't it?

I didn't notice anything different about her for the past three months.

I truly don't know how to feel.
She's been gone for four days now.
At the very earliest, she'll get out four days from now.

Every time I find myself enjoying anything,
I think about her. What she is feeling.
Whatever I'm doing loses its attraction.

I can't eat but one meal a day. Even then it tastes disgusting.
I force myself to eat because I have to stay strong.
For her.

I can't talk to her. I can't visit, text, email, or call.
I can write her notes though,
but she can't write any back.
I don't actually know if she even receives the notes.

I've barely been able to make it through work.
The last thing I want to do is to talk to people.
But that's my job. For 8 hours a day. Talk to people.

I want her to be okay. I will be here for her no matter how long it takes.
She's the love of my life.
I can't imagine living without her.

But I have to go on
She will come back
She will be okay
I don't know how long it will take
I don't know if anything will be the same
But I have to be here for her. I have to

Every day since she's been gone, I've cried for hours and cried myself to sleep.
Hell, as I'm writing this, I'm crying and choking up.
I don't know how to feel.
It feels like it's my fault she has depression, but I know it's not.

I don't know how the hell to feel.
I've felt more emotions in less than a week than I have in my lifetime.
I feel alone
But I know I'm not.

She will eventually come back. She might not be the same, but I'll still love her.
I have to go to school.
Normally we talk to each other in between each class.
Normally she drives me to and from school.
But not for a while.

I don't really know how to function.
I sit in my room staring at a white wall.
I look at my phone with facebook pulled up on it, and I just want to throw it.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to move.

I truly don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

But nobody can tell you how to feel.
Because nobody else knows how to feel.