“I am literally experiencing an ego death”
the only thing i could write in that moment.
my mind went blank.
i knew nothing and no one
i didn’t know myself
a flood of confusion consumed me and i began drowning in fear
Surrounded by friends I supposedly knew
in a place that was supposedly common
i heard songs and sang along while wondering how i knew the words yet knew nothing
i had conversations though i had no idea why i was saying what i was saying
i was an observer of emily
and i searched her mind for clues as to who the hell she was
i rattled my empty mind for facts that i prayed would put me back together from this mental break
“you have a mother and a father”
“where were you born?”
“you adore your little sister”
“you are in love”
“you are alive"
i felt like a character in a story
dropped in mid-life with facts about my past that slowly unwound to provide a compelling background
memories never lived, just known
it all felt fictional
i had no sense of self
i had never been more afraid of a moment in time
i cried
As i grappled with reality i got a sense of who this emily was
her thoughts kept coming to the forefront of her mind involuntarily
and i chose to use them because i didn’t know what else to do
i was lost in my own psyche
with no way of knowing if i would ever remember how to live as i once did