despite what others prefer to believe, all women can be mothers.
but not all mothers can be maternal, I’ve learned this from living with you all these years.

I guess that's the same as saying you weren't hardwired to love me. but I was certainly born to love and need you. I didn't realize this when I was younger, although I wish I did. I wish I understood.

you, in all that you are and all you are not, gave me life. yet I have little happy memories with you. I can't recall a single moment in all these years that we have conversed about anything other than surface-level topics.

sure, you keep me well-fed, bathed, clothed, educated, and all things materialistic. other than that, what else was there?

you are emotionally distant, perpetually detached. you never understood how much I needed to be held, comforted, and heard. you left me hungry and desperate for affection, approval, and validation. all of this, I sought from others.
but their love can only go so far. I need you too.

look at me, Mom, I need a little fixing.
a few others have tried but have failed miserably. they all gave up eventually.
who would even dare waste their youth on someone as hopelessly broken as I am, right?

I keep trying to figure you out. watching movies and reading articles about mothers and daughters who share a strong bond always fill me to the brim with the painful awareness of a deep loss, and the horror that I am alone in this agony.
this was my own personal brand of hell.

what was going through your head when you first held me? were you disappointed that your plans were put on hold because you gave birth to such a needy baby?

am I the cause of all your frustrations? do you look at me and see all the things you couldn't have, all the things wrong in your world?

recently, I remember you said you wanted us to have a more open relationship, something you never had with your mother.
although now that I've thought about it, it makes no sense.
It's almost impossible to justify the idea of you wanting to befriend me, with you being unspeakably critical of me and emotionally distant one day, and then completely out of the blue, disconcertingly affectionate toward me.

I am now suddenly aware that the overbearingly fussy mom act frequently happened in front of an audience.
behind closed doors, you never asked me what I was thinking or how I was feeling. I grew up believing my opinions and emotions were largely irrelevant to you.

there was, and is, no winning with you. I was never smart enough for you, Mom. an 89 is not good enough.
I was never pretty enough for you, either. whenever we went out you told me to put on some makeup. only complimenting my looks when I have a full face of makeup on. the worst part is, for the longest time, I believed you.
I still believe you, sometimes.

mom, for years, you've convinced me I am unworthy of unconditional love and affection, for being unapologetically me.

my relationships, both romantic and platonic, have been a constant roller coaster ride. one moment, my head is spinning from the high of all their love and support, the next minute, I am spiraling into depression, because I feel like I can’t trust them to stick around.
because who would want to stay with a person who is beyond reparation, right?

it always seems like euphoria is less welcome than misery when I'm around you. I flee from romantic relationships when I notice myself becoming attached. I don't even know why, considering the amount of fondness I have for them.

maybe it's self-sabotage? perhaps. what I do know for sure is I don't deserve such a kind, loving soul.
or do I?

do you even realize how crippling it is to constantly wait for the other shoe to drop? I have friends who have been there for me all these years and I, for the life of me, don't trust them enough not to judge me whenever I open up about my problems and this sadness you've inflicted on me.
that is why I suffer in silence.

I feel an obsidian emptiness in my heart and my soul. and you are the one who caused it.
I despise what you've done to me, but even I know I can't hate you forever. I can't keep living my life like this, Mom.
but who do I turn to?

I reckon this terrible affliction is mine, and mine alone. I must stop blaming you now.

I must emancipate myself from all the guilt that well-meaning people direct toward me, for having such strong, contradictory feelings for you. they are oblivious to what it's like to squirm under your distant disapproving gaze, after all.

I must be free of you somehow.
only then I can begin to heal.
only then can I be free.