the first night
I sat in my bed
blaming myself
for your absence
my hands held my head
and my mind swirled
until my eyes
were too heavy to stay awake

the second night
I paced
paced back and forth
from the doors
to windows
waiting for your headlights
its 3 a.m. but
my legs grew tired
and my heart felt weak
so I slept on the kitchen floor
waiting

the third night
I smashed your empty bottles
so I could hear them shatter
into thousands of small pieces

I needed to hear something
feel something
I needed to know
I was still alive too

the fourth night
I reminded myself
of your addiction
the disease taking over
your heart
soul
family
when suddenly I remembered
you are the victim
and
who am I to blame

the fifth night
I forgave you
but this time
I forgave you
for me