i read a novel
about a boy who loved another so
he lost himself in his beautiful smile
and never quite retrieved his whole soul

it broke my heart to read an altered version
of a story that i'd become so familiar with
the idea of which i romanticised in my
sleep deprived head resting on my pillow
wrought with worry about who you told
i was your god and you, my mouthpiece on earth
and who you told you could never love me

because it happened that you'd wear our love on your sleeve
under fleece blankets and choked sighs
but still, you kissed me in the separate rooms of parties
and held my hand when i cried the most

but it also happened that most of my tears
were cried in your expense
and there were people who knew me
as no more than the girl you hated

did you really hate me?
i think the possibility of indifference hurt more
because if you hated me i mattered enough
for my sharpness to affect you,
your delicate skin
as twisted as it is
i loved any version of reality in which
i played a role in your life

but if you didn't care
if you didn't care that i still talk about you
that you've placed a target on my back
for all your friends to abuse my compliance
i'm just an ink smudge you have to look at everyday
but so insignificant you don't remember my name

do you remember all the love i cried onto your skin before you left?
i had wanted it to burn into your heart
so maybe someday you could live to forgive me
and never forget love at the end of each sentence

and i clung onto the hope
of you losing your tunnel vision
but love,
this isn't how it's supposed to be
we're not right, are we?

you pushed me to the brink of
i love you
where love is rain
that doesn't often grace these desert sands
and maybe just a little affection could
save us from this storm
i love you
and i meant it
when i slit my wrists for you
i love you
carved like a bitter song
i can't stop humming
i love you,
always caught in my throat
occupying the space
mixed with oxygen you'd once breathed
i love you
but we were never right
when all we've done
is cut down our hearts
so they could weigh the same
that can't be love

we put an expiration date on
one night stands and drunken texts
but there never was a cut off line
for my sick infatuation
with your skin pressed up against mine
the memory of which only lingered
in the middle of dreams fuller than life
i can delude myself into believing i still love you
and the memory chases me through the waking hours
but i'm tired of running
i'm tired

reinvent yourself like i plan to
strip your mattress of the bloodstained sheets
and find a new corner of the world
to win over prettier girls
as someone who never broke my heart
whose heart was never touched by my evil hands
we could be more
if you wrenched the letters apart
and left me
you could be more.