How to disappear?
I ask myself everyday.
Under what mask will I hide myself today?
Am I going to have glee written on my face or perhaps an aura of innocence would be better.
I walk around with clear brown eyes that appear to hold naivety.
No one will know the amount of exhaustion I always have; The way it hangs on me both physically and mentally.
If I were to tell them, an answer that they find simple would roll off their tongues like a rock rolling down a steep hill,"You should get more sleep."
If only it was that simple.
If only my mind would shut up.
If only my eyes would stop watching the ceiling as silent tears stream down my face.
If only I'd stop rolling around my bed as if I'm a rock on a hill going somewhere.
They might as well console a crying child than try to help me.
I'm a lost cause.
A child listens, they're more obedient, easier to control; I used to be a child.
I used to listen.
I thought adults knew everything why else wouldn't I have listened?
They never listened to me so I took that as a sign that what I said wasn't important.
So I shut my mouth.
I stayed quiet like the doll they wanted me to be.
Adults knew best and they were always going to take of me, why else wasn't I allowed to make decisions?
I was sheltered from the rain.
I thought it'd be like that forever.
I would never need to pick up the pieces I had broken because the adults were there to fix my mistakes.
How wrong was I.
I forgot that I was supposed to be an adult too, maturity was something everyone developed.
They took away my dollhouse and told me I couldn't live in a world of fantasy anymore.
I didn't understand anything.
What was this?
I was left shivering in the cold and what I was left to face wasn't calm; I was left in a hurricane, It destroyed everything I knew.
Familiarity was what I always had, it comforted me, it was all I knew.
I survived the hurricane but I knew, I was left all alone.
I was faced with emotions that resembled nothing of the childlike happiness I had before.
It was ugly.
Everything was ugly.
I didn't like people they were mean creatures that didn't give hugs.
All they wanted was to strip me bare and take away my innocence.
The words weren't lovely anymore.
They were crude and harmful.
I would cover my ears but I couldn't escape it all.
I'd turn my head away but the words were always there, the sneers were ever present no matter how much I acted like they weren't there.
Adulthood was a foreign concept to me.
It wasn't nice and soft like ice cream on hot summer days.
It was tumbling into cave without a flashlight; there was no light anywhere.
I stumble around with no semblance of direction and in doing so I get even more lost.
I don't know where I'm going.
All I know is I keep ruining everything.
I'm sorry.
Future me, the mistakes I make right now, I hope we can power through them.
No matter how hard, please keep living.
Not for anyone else, but ourselves.
If only life was as nice as Winnie the Pooh showed us.