It’s only been a week since I stopped taking the little white pill.
And yet I still find myself daydreaming,
Mouth agape, waiting for the release of serotonin
You see, I am simply a brain searching for a chemical balance
A tongue begging for some company
A heart, beating.
And only that.

I am not me.
I am not smiles, and jokes,
I am not asking you how your day is going and caring about the answer
I am simply a vessel waiting for it’s host.
I am not human anymore.

I’m an addict searching for my fix.
Needle in the arm, I want another bag.
I want another pill.
I need more placebos,
I need more.

Put your hands up,
This is a robbery
and you are the hostage.
Words fire,
And you fall victim.
A victim to my fake tears.
You eat into my every word,
And supply my demand.
The demand for pills.

I didn’t use to be this way.

You see,
I was you once.
I believed good existed in everyone,
A good intent behind every action.
Until I found myself,
grasping mounds of dirt
Thinking he didn’t mean to make me hurt.
I bought myself a one way ticket to ignorance.
And you simply have not boarded.
Yet.

I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
And I am late.
Late.
I’ve only just started my spiral
while others regain their footing.
Those around me are looking up,
Watching.
Watching me disappoint again.

Lying on my back,
Legs spread,
Giving him all he ever wanted;
(But what about what I wanted?)
He thrusts,
And I take another pill.

I’m happy, I think.